


Hate

by stupidteef



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soft Reiner Braun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29237280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidteef/pseuds/stupidteef
Summary: Reiner never saw himself as a the type of man that could love someone, let alone have someone love him. He felt guilt bubble up in his chest every time he looked at her. He had ruined her life, and even after (y/n) knew that she couldn't help but feel guilty too. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't bring herself to hate him. She thought of all the lives lost and the betrayal she felt, but she couldn't do it.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

Unable to move the little girl stood there as she watched her family be devoured. A titan picked up her last remaining family member and squeezed him until he popped. All of his warm blood spraying onto her. She felt as if her feet were bolted to the ground, letting her get picked up by the 15 meter Titan. It opened its mouth to release a muffled noise. 

"(y/n). (y/n)!" (y/n) bolted up breathing hard. 

"Woah, calm down firecracker. You better get up, Shadis is going to beat your ass if you're late."

"Right, I'll be right there." (y/n) took a deep breath before stepping out of bed. The memories of that day haunted her dreams every night. Which meant for five years she hadn't had a decent night sleep. 

Lazily she walked into the dining hall with everyone else. She sat across from her friends, Reiner and Bertholdt. 

"Wow, you look like shit." Reiner said as he bit into a piece of bread. 

"You're charming as ever, it's a wonder you don't have a girlfriend by now." She said sarcastically. "Oh also Ymir told me about this spot on the hill to the south. She said it is perfect for stargazing."

Reiner and Bertholdt gave each other a knowing look. They knew if either of them denied going to the spot with her she'd ramble about stars until someone complied. 

"You know what I think... Eren wanted to talk to me tonight." Said Bertholdt abruptly. 

"Fine then I guess I volunteer." Reiner said with a defeated sigh. 

"Yes! I promise you won't regret this. I'll tell you all about my favorite star, she is quite the beauty."

—

"You all may think hand to hand combat is worthless, especially when it comes to fighting titans. But more often than not the real enemy is among us. So pair up you little shit heads." Shadis barked at the trainees. 

(y/n) ended up with Connie. Due to her family's strange nature the other kids would often try to pick fights, so she learned how to fight. Which meant she was kicking Connie's ass. 

"It's just because you're taller than me! I bet you couldn't beat Reiner."

"Oh yeah? Reiner! Get your ass over here!" With a sigh Reiner walked over. 

"What?"

"Connie thinks I can't beat you in a fight. And I think I can."

"Oh I see. Are you sure you can handle me?"

"Huh, let's see." 

Connie watched as they both got into fighting positions. (y/n) ran straight for him and jumped as high as she could in the air. "Oh holy walls let this work out!" She yelled as her legs went over his shoulders. Her thighs locked onto his head and with the momentum she built up she was able to knock him over. He fell right onto his back with a grunt. 

"Woo, you saw that Connie! God damn I didn't think that would work."

But while (y/n) was distracted Reiner was able to use his free arms and knock her onto her back and slid up so they were face to face. He then pinned both her arms to the ground. The locked eyes for a second before (y/n) hooked her leg onto his waist and knocked him back onto the ground. She managed to do that with so much force that he ended up on his stomach. Quickly (y/n) straddled him and pinned his arms behind his back. She leaned over to his ear and whispered something in his ear. 

"Okay you two, what are you guys putting on a show for us?" Jean said smugly. 

"Watch it Jean." (y/n) snapped back as she got off Reiner. "I was just proving a point to pea brain." She pointed at Connie.  
—

Later that night after dinner Reiner reluctantly followed (y/n) to a big hill. Once at the top (y/n) laid down and patted the spot next to her. 

"Okay you see that triangle of stars right there?" She grabbed his hand and used out to point up at the sky. "And in the middle of the triangle is the brightest one, it has a light blue tint, that's my favorite one. My father told me about how there's no official name for it in the book so I named it Avery."

"It's beautiful." Reiner relaxed his arm and grabbed (y/n)'s hand. "I've never asked but what happened to you that day?"

"A lot. I had to watch my whole family be eaten, I try not to think about it much. But there is a feeling that haunts me. Warm blood on my skin, soaking into my clothes. My skin crawls during warm baths, not like I get many of those anymore."

"(y/n) I'm sorry."

"For what? What happened was nobody's fault. And I don't want you of all people to feel that kind of burden." She shifted to her side and rested her head on his chest. His heartbeat was softly beating into her ear. She noticed how he slightly stiffened. It was like his whole body went tense for a moment before he relaxed again.

“I just can’t help but feel guilty.” (y/n) sat up and looked down at him. He really did look guilty, like she had just caught him committing a crime. She was reaching out for his face but before she could grab it Reiner grabbed her and pulled her into his chest.

“Reiner wha-”

“Shh, there’s someone over there.” out of the corner of her eye she could see a soft light coming closer to the pair. She pulled herself impossibly closer to him, hoping to somehow become flat to the ground. “Just stay still, I’ll… I’ll protect you.”

“Huh, I don't think the person over there is going to hurt us.”

“I don't mean him silly. We’re graduating next week and I just need you to know that no matter what happens I’ll be there to stop you from getting hurt. Even if you hate me I’ll never stop caring about you.” he shifted his arm up so he could stroke her hair. 

“Me hating you? Now that's just impossible.” she let out a small scoff at the end of her sentence. “But seriously, Reiner you’re the first real friend I've had since I lived in Shiganshina. So thank you, and know I feel the exact same way.”

A week later graduation came and went. (y/n) got ranked 7th in the top ten of their class. She claimed her bragging rights for a couple days before she found her getting annoyed with herself. But she made it up by publicly apologizing and calling herself an ass, which was followed by a few inappropriate comments by the male cadets. (y/n) found it funny how Reiner made the first ass joke, but proceeded to give everyone the angriest expression when they started to make jokes too. And it seemed that all was smooth sailing until the day the colossal titan re-appeared. It all happened so fast, before she knew it she and the other cadets were hanging off the wall with their ODM gear. All that was going through her head was Reiner. Where was he? Was he okay? Was he hurt? Oh god, was he dead? That last thought made her stomach turn.  
“(y/n)!” Sasha yelled from beside her. She snapped her head up to Sasha, who had an urgent look on her face. “You’re good at first aid right?”

“Y-yeah, who's hurt?” Sasha pointed down to the boy that was hanging by an ODM hook through his leg. She lowered herself down to him and grabbed him. Slowly she unhooked the gear from his leg and brought him to the ground. He was too groggy to fully register how much pain he was in. She ripped a piece of cloth off her shirt and tied it around his wound. Then she piggy backed him back to HQ where she tended to him until he could get real medical care. She didn’t know it but when the other Cadets returned to HQ Reiner came along with them, unharmed. He watched as she tended to one of their fellow cadets, she gently wrapped his wound and comforted him through the pain. He secretly wished he was badly injured, but those thoughts were quickly dismissed by Jean yelling for her. Reiner turned to see Jean with a small woman following him. She swapped places with (y/n) and (y/n) followed Jean to get orders. A bit of jealousy bubbled up in his chest when he noticed that all her attention was wrapped up in whatever Jean was saying. But that was the case most of the time since Jean seemed to have that effect over certain cadets. 

They soon got their orders from Kitz and were released to get ready to fight. Worry coursed through (y/n)’s veins due to the fact that she had yet to see Reiner.

“(y/n).” a big hand grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it gently. She whipped her body around. A small noise came from her before she started thoroughly examining him.

“Are you hurt? What happened? Where were you? Can you believe this is happening again?” her mind was racing a mile a minute.

“Please, calm down. Everything will be okay.”

“You're right, I bragged about being so amazing for a week so now is my time to put my money where my mouth is!” she exclaimed, “Wow, this is crazy! Okay be safe, I need to go talk to Jean. Oh, and don't die you son of a bitch.” She quickly ran off, her adrenaline high carrying her around. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Jean and Eren at each other's necks. She stomped over and grabbed both of their ears, pulling them apart. They both winced at the pain of her nails digging into their skin. 

“Okay both of you will listen to me loud and clear! This is frankly embarrassing! You two need to stop acting like children… this is way bigger than whatever you're fighting about this time. Now let's go Jean.” She let go of them and went to prepare her gear.


	2. Chapter 2

Life was moving faster than she thought was possible. It was like she was watching everything go by in flashes, they were moving out, standing around waiting, getting the call, and now there was a titan in front of her. Her eyes went wide and one of the girls she trained with got torn into two and eaten. The blood clung to her face and body, slowly soaking into her clothes. Then without a warning everything came to a numbing stop. All she could feel was the thick crimson liquid bonding to her skin. She dropped to her knees, images of her brother screaming at her to run. His face flashed in her mind, his voice rang through her ears. She closed her eyes and clutched her ears. She begged for it to stop. A distant voice echoed through her ears. She reluctantly opened her eyes. Although her eyesight was still blurry she could clearly tell it was a real person, not some flashback of her brother. 

“Please just get it off me. Please.” she begged. 

“(y/n) what happened?” She recognized that it was Jean's voice. He squatted down and grabbed her shoulders. “I need you to pull it together right now. Look at me. I need you to calm down so you can tell me what to do.” 

“Just get it off please.” she couldn’t move an inch until the blood got off her face. It took Jean a second to realize what she meant but once he did he took his sleeve and gently wiped her face. She grabbed his hand and bowed her head into it. “Thank you, Jean.”

“Now, what do we do?” 

“Huh?” (y/n) squinted her eyes as she looked up at Jean. Her mind was still foggy from what had just happened. Jean shook her a couple times, hopeful to clear her head a bit. But he noticed how her eyes suddenly went wide. She abruptly pushed him to the side and flew off with her ODM gear. Jean quickly got up to see a 15 meter titan running straight for them. (y/n) whipped around it and slashed it’s nape. The titan fell to the ground as she flew back towards him. 

“You okay Jean?” He thought it was a bit peculiar how she seemed to bounce back so fast. But he was fine with it since he was panicking a little at the moment. He nodded at her statement. (y/n) looked around at her comrades who were still alive.

“Okay see this is what we’re gonna do!” she yelled, catching the attention of her comrades, “We will scout the area for survivors of other groups. If you see a titan do not engage unless absolutely necessary. We will go in pairs and yell if you need help or find any injured survivors. Stay close and if you see nothing we will meet back here.” Everyone looked at Jean and he nodded in approval.

“You heard her pair off and go!” 

“Okay c’mon Jean.” she slapped the back of his head and flew off with her gear. 

They followed through her plan and ended up with the other 104th cadets on a rooftop. (y/n) couldn't have been more relieved when she saw Reiner unscratched. After checking in with him she noticed how shaken up Jean looked. She excused herself and sat next to him.

“Jean remember how you said you needed me, well now we all need you. I know you’re a strong person, and I know we'll make it out if you’re leading us.”

“Thank you (y/n).” (y/n) got up and ruffled his hair around. She quickly went back to where Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, and Marco were. 

“How much gas do you guys have left.” she asked as she tapped on the gas canisters attached to her own ODM gear. 

“About just enough to get to headquarters.” Annie replied. The others nodded their heads in agreement to what she said. But Reiner was just blankly staring at her.

“Reiner?” he licked his pointer finger and wiped some dry blood off her forehead.

“What happened? Are you okay?” He grabbed her arm and gently guided her away from the group.

“Oh, yeah I’m fine now. Things were a little rough earlier, but I just want this to end.” a tear fell down her face despite trying to keep things together. 

“It’ll all end soon, and hopefully I’ll be able to take you away from all this.” Reiner grabbed her face and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

“I’d love that… but this hell never ends.” Reiner looked like he was about to tell her something but Mikasa caught everyone's attention. She gave a speech that was definitely lacking in the motivation department. But regardless she set off towards headquarters. 

“You’re right this hell never seems to end, so why do you keep fighting to live through it?” and with that Reiner flew off with the others. She shortly followed them. 

She watched as Mikasa, Armin, and Connie separated from the group, leaving Jean to lead. With everyone's gas seconds away from being fully depleted Jean decided to re-group on some rooftops. She landed and was on her way to talk to Jean when she saw her other comrades get devoured while trying to save each other.

“You bastards.'' She ran towards the edge of the roof where Jean was standing, intending on killing the titans. But before she was able to leave the roof Jean held her back. 

“No. It's my fault we’re in this situation, and I can’t let another person die.”

“This is my decision to make.” she shook off his arm and put the blades back into the metal boxes on her gear. “Now Jean, think of something before we all die where we stand.” 

She walked away with a weird sense of anger bubbling up in her chest. Everything about the situation made her need to bite the skin around her fingers until they bled. Although she could feel the stinging in the tips of her fingers the other aching feelings on her body overridden the small pain. Despite everything that was happening all she could think about was what Reiner asked her earlier. She knew he wasn’t telling her to give up and die. Instead she thought it meant that she needed an end goal, or a driving force that made her keep fighting even in a situation like this. And just staying alive to stay alive wasn’t going to cut it.

“Now!” Jean yelled, capturing everyone's attention, “While they’re distracted we can make a run for it!”

He blasted off and everyone was soon to follow. (y/n) followed closely behind Jean. She didn’t know why but since she figured out what Reiner was trying to tell her she felt a bit more empty. She felt like someone had to tell her what her reason was. She instantly thought of her oldest brother. He coddled her and told her exactly what to do to avoid any inconveniences. And some part of her still wanted someone to coddle her and tell her exactly what to do. She was deep in thought until the male next to her got grabbed by a titan. He yelled her name, hoping to catch her attention. And luckily for him he was right. She whipped back around and managed to cut the fingers from the medium sized titan that had him in its clutches. She grabbed the man and carried him the short way to HQ. They barreled through one of the already broken windows.

“Hah! Look at (y/n) she’s carrying her princess into the castle.” Conny teased. 

“Watch it.” she growled back at him. All her attention was on the male who was breathing shallowly. She lifted up his shirt to see his whole abdomen bruised into a deep purple. A small bloody cough came from his mouth before his last breath.

“No, no, no. Come on.” she put her fingers against his neck just to feel no pulse, “God damnit, I'm sorry.” she gently closed his eyes and wiped the blood from his mouth. 

“It’s okay you did what you could.” Reiner said while pulling her from the body, “We need to refuel.”

“I’m sorry Reiner. I don’t know why I’m still alive.”

“It’s okay, just figure it out before you become titan chow.” he wrapped an arm around her and guided her away from the body.  
“Thank-” a loud boom echoed through the building. Reiner and (y/n) turned around to see a titans face busted through the wall of HQ. He ushered her away despite her trying to fight her way out of his arms.

“Reiner I need to go!”

“Go what? Die?” there was a serious sense of frustration in his eyes, “You can’t find a reason to be alive if you’re dead!”

“You’re right, but we have no chance of surviving if we lay back and die.” Just then a giant fist swept the titans away from the building. 

While the abnormal was killing titans outside it gave the others a chance to recollect themselves. (y/n) was talking with Bertholdt when Jean came in with lots of guns. And being the genius he was Armin had cracked a plan on how to kill the titans in the supply room. (y/n) and 6 others were chosen to actually kill the titans in the supply room.

“No ODM gear… we're screwed if anyone misses.” Conny said nervously.

“Oh come on, they're only 4 meters.” (y/n) replied.

And the plan commenced. Just as earlier life seemed to fly too fast to process. Killing titans, refueling, then the abnormal. After a good fight it finally succumbed to the many titans attacking it. 

“Well that was nice while it lasted.” (y/n) muttered out. Despite Jeans protests everyone seemed to be entranced by the titan. (y/n)’s eyes went wide when she noticed how the nape seemed to open up. “What is that? At the nape?” Just then a body emerged from the steam and flesh. 

Mikasa jumped down and grabbed the person. Eren. (y/n)’s eyes widened as she watched Armin and Mikasa pull him away from the titan body. They got him up to where (y/n), Jean, Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner were. 

“Oh, (y/n) will you?” Armin pointed down at Eren, who was clutched in Mikasa’s arms.

“Of course.” she quickly got on her knees and examined Eren, “He seems fine, his pulse is a little slow but it should pick up soon.”


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t long before Kitz and a few of the soldiers in his squad came to escort everyone, and most importantly Eren. He took Eren, Mikasa, and Armin away and firmly told the other five to not discuss what they saw with the other cadets. A couple of the soldiers led them to the small camp where all of the other soldiers and cadets were. Everyone seemed to be a bit shaken up, but despite his gaze seeming like his mind was elsewhere Reiner made it a mission to keep (y/n) in an arm's distance of him. When they finally settled on a table everyone just sat in silence, trying to figure out what exactly just happened. 

“(y/n), how do you know all that first aid stuff?” Annie asked like she really wasn’t interested.

“Well my grandpa was a doctor and my mother was a nurse. And I got some extra practice with the sick refugees after wall Maria fell.” a small smirk tugged on the corner of Reiner’s mouth when he thought of her nursing him back to health. 

“I’m gonna go get water.” (y/n) said. Reiner was about to offer to go with her when Jean unintentionally stopped him. He got up and just waved her over to follow him. 

“Reiner stop doing that.” Annie said bluntly.

“Stop doing what?”

“Those faces you do at (y/n). It creeps everyone out, but I guess she hasn’t noticed.”

“You’re just spewing, I don’t do that.” he shot back. Annie and Bertholdt gave each other a look before directing their attention to (y/n) and Jean. She was struggling to carry multiple sacks of water while Jean was just carrying one for himself. Reiner immediately rushed over to help her so she didn’t drop any.

“Why’d you get so many?” Reiner asked.

“Well I realized that all of you guys need to rehydrate too. And if any of you refused I would yell at you, then go give it to someone else.” Reiner looked at her with a soft expression. When he looked up he saw Annie and Bertholdt eyeing him. He immediately went back to his stone faced expression. 

“Thank you for thinking of us.” Bertholdt said as (y/n) passed him the water. 

“(y/n) can you come with me for a minute.” She nodded and followed Reiner into a close by alleyway.

“I really need to tell you something.” he paused for a moment. The look in her eyes ate away at his guilty soul with every second she looked at him, but he still couldn't tell her. Not now at least. “I lied earlier… my shoulder has been bothering me for a little. I was wondering if you could message it.”

“Of course, I’m just a little upset you didn’t tell me earlier.” she shuffled behind him and put her hands on his shoulders. The tension in his body immediately released when her hands started to kneed his muscles. “That's okay?”

“Yes, perfect.” (y/n) just adored how she could feel his stress just melt away under her fingertips. 

“(y/n) the medics need a little help, could you come help?” one of the cadets interrupted. 

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” (y/n) let out a sigh, “I’ll see you later, just stay safe.”

She walked away and back out into the sunlight. As she was walking past Jean he grabbed her arm. 

“Where are you going?” he questioned

“The Medics need help.” almost on queue a cart of injured soldiers rode past them. But even after she told him he wouldn’t let go. She was about to say something when a loud boom rang through the air. Everyone ran into the street to see thick smoke coming from inside the wall. Without a second thought Reiner took off on his ODM gear, Annie and Bertholdt were soon to follow. 

“You coming?” Jean turned and asked (y/n).

“...No, I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Jean followed the other three to where the smoke was. Although (y/n) wanted to go she knew if something big was happening there was bound to be more injured people. So she wasted no time going to help out.

A little later Commander Pixis gathered everyone up to tell them the plan on patching up the hole in wall rose. Reiner stood next to (y/n), unaware of just how hard he was clutching her hand in his. But she truly didn’t mind, in fact it made her feel more secure. He looked over to see a skeptical look on her face. 

“This plan sounds a little-” Reiner was cut off by (y/n).

“Crazy? Well I don't think we can expect more from a drunk and a 15 year old.” she said sarcastically.

“Hey lovebirds! Get with the others!” Kitz nervously barked at them. Red with embarrassment both of them let each other's hands go and walked away.  
(y/n) was assigned to be in the squad that was to protect Eren from surrounding titans. She was led off by a member of the Garrison unit to surround Eren. Between booms and screams coming from eren (y/n)’s mind was clouded. For some reason at that moment it really hit her, humans could be titans, and they were now relying on a titan to save humanity. Her world had been upturned five years ago, and now again. She was mindlessly flying around looking for any titans that seemed to be heading towards eren when she heard a scream. She turned her head to see Marco being lowered into a titans mouth. She quickly whipped around towards Marco. 

By the time she got to him his legs were gone and he was falling to the ground. Before he made impact she grabbed him from the air and landed on the ground with him. She sat on her knees and put his head in her lap. His pulse was weak but he was still alive enough to smile up at her and mutter something. She leaned over and put her ear to his mouth so she could hear him.

“Take care of Jean.” were his last words before he passed. Then it clicked. He gave her something, a reason to live. Although it was selfish of her to think she was thankful that those were Marco’s last words to her. She gently laid his head down in the stone road and crossed his arms on his chest. 

“I will do everything in my power to make sure he’s okay. Thank you, Marco” she let a few tears spill from her eyes. When she wiped her face off she noticed something strange about Marco. Despite his legs being gone from about the thigh down his ODM gear was gone. She brushed it off before trying to use her own. One of the iron wires had snapped from the force of her whipping around and catching Marco. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” She couldn’t give up right after she had finally found her reason. “Help! I’m stuck! Hello?” nothing happened. The world seemed oddly still for a moment before a loud thundering rumbled through the ground. She turned to see the top of a titan’s head heading for her. She ran as fast as she could, but she was no match to the titans long strides. It was quickly catching up to her. At that point running was no use so her only options were to try to hide, stand there and die, or try to use her broken gear. At this point it didn’t matter what she chose the chances of her dying was far higher than survival. So she chose the most reckless option. She grabbed her hand grips and shot the remaining iron wire and watched as the hook attached dug into a roof. Her body flew through the air and she stumbled onto the roof. She bounced and rolled until she was hanging off the other end of the roof. She weakly pulled herself up onto the roof and layed down. She was overly aware of the sticky blood that was trickling from the small cuts on her body. Everything about the situation made her feel like she was drowning. The deep dark water of despair filled her lungs with every time she took a breath in. Soon she could feel the pressure of the water compressing her whole body. Then came the waves spinning her until she got dizzy. A nauseating headache soon hit her from the combination of the lack of air she was getting and the possible concussion she had. But this drowning feeling wasn’t foregin. It was a feeling she felt disturbingly often, but it almost reminded her she was still human. 

“(y/n)!” Reiner yelled. For a moment he thought his worst fear had become a reality, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. But he saw her sit up and wave a blade at him. He motioned to Bertholdt to head towards her. 

“Reiner.” she weakly stood up. Reiner immediately noticed small tears on her clothes, blood seeping through where the lacerations had ripped through her clothes and skin. There was a cut on her forehead, causing blood to drip down her face. He grabbed her shoulders, stabilizing her wobbly body. (y/n) could feel small stinging sensations coming from all over her body.

“(y/n), what happened?” Bertholdt questioned. (y/n) snapped back to reality, her adrenaline now numbing the stinging. 

“My gear, it snapped when… Marco.” both Bertholdt and Reiner’s eyes went wide. “I guess something went wrong and he got caught.”

“That's all you saw?” Berthold said with his eyes still wide.

“Well I guess that's what happened, all I saw was his legs getting, y’know.”

“I'm glad that all you saw.” Reiner pulled her into him and guided her head into his chest. (y/n) couldn't see him but she could tell he was mouthing something to Bertholdt. Then a flair went off into the air. (y/n) separated herself from Reiner to see green smoke trailing from a rooftop. Eren was successful in patching up the hole. 

“Thank god.” (y/n) said. 

“Let's get you back to HQ and clean you up.” Reiner took a thumb and whipped the blood trickling down her forehead. “Bertholdt help me tow her.” He nodded and they both locked arms with her.


	4. Chapter 4

Back at HQ there were no nurses available so it was up to Reiner to help (y/n). He found a bottle of alcohol, some cloth, and a small spool of wrap. He poured some of the alcohol on the cloth and lightly dabbed it on the cut on her forehead. Then he gently bandaged the cut. 

“You’re not half bad at this Braun.” 

“Oh really?” he said, taking a step closer to her.

“Yeah, you’re a lot more gentle then I thought. Help me with this.” she motioned to the leather straps of her ODM gear. He started at the top, carefully grazing his fingers over her clothed skin. His breath hitched when he got to the buckle that laid over her chest. He fumbled with it for a second before he finally got it. Then he got on his knees and worked at the straps that wrapped around her thighs. He noticed some small scratches on her legs and abdomen. 

“Are you feeling okay?” He untucked her shirt and lifted it up, exposing her abdomen. There were a few big bruises forming on her from the rough day. She was suddenly almost too aware of how his touch felt. His rough hands were hot against her soft skin. When she looked down to make eye contact with him she could feel a burning in her chest spread over her whole body.

“Reiner-”

“Sorry.” A hard knock rapped at the door. (y/n) broke eye contact from him and opened the door. On the other side was a Garrison soldier with supplies so they could help clean up any corpses. They reluctantly took the supplies and headed back outside together. They walked around together, Reiner trailing close behind (y/n). But that was until (y/n) spotted Jean. 

“Reiner I need to go talk to Jean, I’ll be right back.” she immediately recognized the body that laid before him. Jean’s eyes were wide as he looked at Marco’s corpse.

“Jean.” she gently said, making herself known to him. He looked over at her and his expression softened a bit.

“(y/n), I can’t believe this happened to him. And to think he was probably alone too.” 

“His name?” one of the healthcare workers interrupted before (y/n) could tell Jean what she needed to.

“Marco Bodt.” (y/n) replied. “Um, Jean could I talk to you later tonight?”

“Hm, oh okay.” he replied before walking away. 

__

Later that night (y/n) met Jean in a small field outside of the barracks. She played with her fingers while nervously waiting for him. The drowning feeling was starting to dawn on her but it was interrupted by Jean approaching. 

“Jean, about what you said earlier… about Marco.”

“(y/n) I don’t need your pity, all we can do is to make sure he didn’t die in vain.”

“That's true, but I thought maybe I’d help you sleep at night if it told you that he wasn’t alone. I was with him and he told me that-” her breath hitched before she could say another word, “he really cared for you Jean.” tears spilled from her eyes as she shamefully looked at the ground. She was too much of a coward to tell Jean what she needed to. 

“Why are you like this?” (y/n) lifted her head at his sudden change in attitude. 

“What do you mean?”

“Do you ever think of yourself? I mean all you do try to help others, (y/n) you’re too smart to die protecting other people.” (y/n) was left speechless, “Just start thinking of yourself more.” he lifted up his arm and ruffled her hair around before walking away. 

(y/n) was left with both Jean and Marco’s words ringing through her head. She looked up at the sky hoping to find comfort in the many stars her father taught her about. She quickly found her favorite star, the star that her and her father would spend nights talking about. Memories of her family flooded through her head. Her parents were two of the kindest people she knew, they were childhood friends that developed a deep love for eachother. And an older brother that adored her with every fiber in his body, he had messy brown hair and a resting face that contradicted his kind personality. A manic laughter escaped her throat as a barrage of overwhelming feelings attempted to claw their way out of her body. She thought of her parents, brother, Marco, and the many others whose lives had been lost. A more erratic laugh left her throat along with a fountain of tears from her eyes. She fell to her knees as the laugh turned to a cry. She clawed at the cool earth beneath her in a desperate attempt to bring herself back to sanity. 

“Why not me?!” her voice cracked as she screamed at the sky, “I never asked for this, any of this.” her yell was reduced to a whisper. She stayed hunched over crying until bile came up from her stomach. It burned her throat and left an acidic taste in her mouth. She took a long, shaky breath in as if it was her first breath of air after being held under water. She stood up and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked up at the sky and scoffed before leaving the field. 

“Hey (y/n) where have you been?” Krista questioned when (y/n) entered the barracks.

“I was getting some fresh air.” she walked over to her bunk and laid down. She was still grimey from the day, but she didn’t have the energy to care. Her eyes drifted closed and before she knew it she was sleeping. Maybe tonight the universe decided to give her a break, or even pitied her. She had finally had a good night's sleep, the one thing she truly longed for, for the past five years.


	5. Chapter 5

A couple days went by and Reiner had noticed how (y/n)’s demeanor changed since the attack on Trost. It was slight enough for him to notice, but not anybody else. It’s only natural to remember every aspect of someone you love like the back of your hand. And no matter how much he denied it he knew it, he was in love with (y/n). He stayed up awake thinking about how a cold-hearted monster could love someone so caring. Thinking too much about (y/n) made his stomach turn until he couldn’t focus. And in this moment his stomach was starting to turn as he watched (y/n) pick at her fingers rather than socializing with the other cadets. 

“(y/n), you feeling okay?” Reiner said in a low tone while he approached (y/n). She ripped her attention away from her fingernails and looked up at Reiner.

“Yeah just thinking.” she looked back down at the traces of dirt that remained under her fingernails, “Do you think I don’t think of myself enough?”

“We all need something to keep us sane, and being selfless is yours.” a small smile played on her lips, something Reiner missed seeing.

“Well what is yours?” curiosity obviously present in her voice. Reiner’s heart skipped a beat. As cheesy as it sounds he desperately wanted to tell how she was the one thing keeping him from going truly insane. The one thing that kept his own guilty conscious from eating him alive. But as he looked at her he could feel his stomach start to turn.

“You’ll just have to figure that out for yourself.”

“I guess that's fair. Anyway, are you excited to join the scouts?” she said as they walked to a quieter area.

“Yeah, strangely I think I’m gonna miss all this.” Reiner thought back to the day he met (y/n). He always hated the idea of falling in love with someone due to the general unhappiness that surrounded his parents' relationship, or lack thereof. But there was really nothing else that explained how he felt. 

It was right after the introduction hazing when he saw her comforting a small girl that had been crying. He watched as she wiped the tears from the other girl’s face and lightly patted her back. Once the girl had calmed down they went their separate ways and to his surprise the girl he had been mindlessly staring at was heading straight for him.

“You know it’s rude to stare at someone when they’re crying.” she scolded.

“You know she probably won't last.” he retorted.

“Yeah, but at least not all her memories about being here will be completely miserable.” without letting him respond she walked off to attend to something else that caught her attention. As the weeks went by he often found his eyes wandering to her. And without fail his palms would get sweaty and his heart would race. He saw her as some kind of rare ethereal being that common men like him were forbidden to touch. But that vision of her changed as he got to know her better. Now she reminded him of the warmth that came with the sun after a heavy rain, or the feeling of a light sunburn on your cheeks that you’d get from playing outside all day as a child. And this warmth that came off her was a constant reminder that no matter how hard he tried he would never be good enough for her. 

__

Commander Erwin captured everyone’s attention through a passionate speech. And with that (y/n) was officially a part of the scouts. Even after everyone was dismissed she stood there, trembling as the realization hit her. Her new life was going to revolve around experiences similar to the attack on trost. 

“(y/n) let's go back to the barracks.” Sasha grabbed her hand gently and pulled her away. 

(y/n) blinked a couple times before registering that her legs were moving under her. She let Sasha lead her back to the barracks at the training grounds for the last time. A light breeze swept over them, pulling any fly away hairs out of their face. 

“Sasha, are you scared?” (y/n) questioned.

“Yeah, commander Erwin is pretty intimidating.” she turned to see (y/n)’s wide eyes, “But yes I’m scared, who wouldn’t be?”

“You’re right. It’ll be okay as long as we give our hearts.” (y/n) mimicked commander Erwin. A small giggle came from both of them as they walked towards the barracks. 

Early the next morning all of the cadets set off to start their new lives in the regiment they chose. The brisk morning air filled (y/n)’s lungs as she looked over her fellow cadets for the last time. She noticed Bertholdt looking over at Annie with an earnest look on his face. (y/n) slowly walked over, the dewy grass making the tips of her boots wet. 

“Bert you wanna go say bye with me?”

“Huh?” he looked at (y/n) then back at Annie, a light blush coating his cheeks. 

“Come on.” she locked arms with him and walked him over to the short blonde, “Annie! It's gonna be awhile till we see you again.”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t die.” a wide smile spread across (y/n)’s face as she knew that was about as affectionate Annie could get. 

“Oh you’re so sweet, Bert?” she looked at Bertholdt who just had a blank stare on his face. She lightly pinched his arm to snap him out of it.

“Right, be safe Annie.” Bertholdt sputtered. 

They soon joined the few cadets also joining the scouts and hopped into the back of an open carriage. (y/n) looked out, letting the wind hit her face and tussle her hair. A smile tugged on the corner of her mouth. The wood dug into her side as she leaned over the side of the carriage until more than half her body hung out of it. She felt two strong hands grab her waist and stabilize her. She looked back to see Reiner looking at her longingly. They rode over a bump in the already rocky road that made her fly up a little too far into the air. But Reiner quickly pulled her back down into the vehicle. 

“Close one.” she laughed. Something about the moment felt like the quiet before the storm. They were all painfully aware of the danger that laid ahead, but everyone chose to ignore it. And just for a moment (y/n)’s naive display of joy blinded them to just how horrifying reality was.


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as everyone arrived at the old castle they were greeted with section commander Miche and Gelgar. Everyone lined up and watched as Miche went down the row and sniffed each of the new cadets. He stopped at (y/n) making her even more nervous then she already was. He grabbed one of the dark green regiment capes from Gelgar and handed it to her.

“Your name cadet?” 

“(y/n) (l/n) reporting for duty sir!” she saluted him before he gave her the signal to relax.

“Cadet (y/n) (l/n), congratulations you are officially a member of the scout regiment.” he placed the neatly folded cape in her arms. She paused for a moment before wrapping it around herself. Everyone watched as she adjusted the fabric around her body and awaited their moment to be officiated into the scouts. But their moment never came, instead Gelgar just handed them their capes in a less dramatic way. As Gelgar led the way everyone looked at (y/n) wondering why Miche had officiated her like that.

Just as confused (y/n) decided to ask, “So, um, is that a tradition?”

“It depends on what section commander Miche smells.” 

“Smells?” Connie questioned as they walked.

“He is known for his keen sense of smell. If he smells a strong sense of leadership or loyalty in a cadet he’ll specially officiate them.” a strange feeling of pride and embarrassment bubbled up in (y/n)’s stomach. Lost in thought she didn’t realize everyone had stopped walking, causing her to run into something. She refocused herself to see a smaller man with black hair glaring back at her. 

“Sorry sir.” she averted eye contact and stepped back into the group. A small scoff came from the man as he walked past. They continued to tour the old castle, seeing where they'd be eating, sleeping, and probably spending the rest of their short lives. At the end of the day all they ended up doing was some cleaning and other small tasks the more experienced soldiers couldn’t be bothered with. As the sun set they were beckoned into the mess hall to eat. They sat on a table for the new cadets and talked about the day. While everyone was busy talking about the strange things they saw (y/n) had other things on her mind. A sense of tension rested between her eyebrows. 

“Oh, aren’t you special.” Sasha said as she settled next to (y/n).

“Hm?” she hummed, not fully processing Sasha’s teasing.

“Listen to this, when I was walking past the commanding officers table I heard them talking about (y/n).” (y/n) perked up, “They were saying something about cadets that stood out to them.” 

“They were probably just talkin about me cause I bumped into Captain Levi earlier.”

“Well I guess you did make quite the impression on the Commanding officers.” Jean teased. 

Later that night (y/n) laid awake, not being able to keep her encounters with the officers off her mind. Just laying there thinking became too overwhelming for her to bear. Instead she got up, ultimately deciding that some fresh air was best to distract herself. She quietly got up and slipped on her boots, careful not to wake up anyone. As she left she noticed the dark green cape that was sprawled over the end of her bed. When she stepped out into the corridor she immediately noticed the sticky chill that filled the air. The few torches that were in the hall barely lit it up, making her feel vulnerable to the dark. She picked up her pace when she heard soft footsteps behind her. Some part of her wanted to believe that the stress was just making her hear things but soon the steps got too close for them to be imagined. She felt an icey presence behind her that made her skin crawl. Then a hand reached out from the darkness and harshly gripped her wrist. She turned to see none other than captain Levi standing behind her. 

“What are you doing out?” he asked before letting go.

“I just needed some fresh air, sir. I’ll go back to my room at once, I’m-”

He cut her off before she could apologize “Follow me.”

An awkward silence fell over them as she followed him back into the mess hall. He pointed at one of the tables and like a dog she obeyed his silent command and sat. She carefully watched him as he brought over two cups, a kettle, and tin box of tea. He pushed the stuff towards her as he sat. She grabbed the kettle, which was warm to the touch.

“May I re-boil the water?” she cautiously asked.

“Do as you please, just make the tea.” he said flatly.

She could feel him watch her as she left the room and into the small kitchen that was attached to the dining hall. It had been awhile since she had black tea. She used to carefully watch her mom as she would make the tea and serve it to her, although at the time she was too young to appreciate the tea. The kettle screeched telling her the water was done boiling. She re-entered the room with the steaming kettle in hand. She took the small spoon inside the box and dropped the tea leaves in the kettle. They sat there for a few minutes while the tea steeped. She touched the kettle again and determined it had steeped long enough. Careful not to spill any she poured it into the cups. Levi took the tea and sipped it cautiously. A bit of amusement played on his face. 

“It’s not bad.”

“Thank you, I learned a special technique from my mother.” a slight smile showed on her face. 

“It’s (y/n) (l/n) right?”

“Mhm.” she hummed as she took another sip. The room started to seem less tense the longer they sat there. Being more confident she asked a question, “Captain, is Eren okay?”.

“He’s just fine.”

“That’s good, everyones been so worried about him. I mean it’s pretty frightening to figure out that humans can transform into titans, so I can’t imagine how figuring out you are one feels.”

“Yes, it was quite the shock for all of us.” he paused for a moment, “Can you tell me why Miche picked you out of the crowd?”

“Well Gelgar told me-”

“No, I said why do you think you were picked.”

“Oh, I’m not sure about that sir.” a quiet scoff left his mouth, “But I’ve been told I have a knack for helping other people. Oh, and I did help my friend lead our group in Trost.”

“Leadership and selflessness.” (y/n) simply nodded in response. There was a bit of condensation in his voice that told her that’s not what he wanted to hear. She felt dissatisfied with herself and her answer. Her fists balled into tight circles in her lap. She wracked her brain for what could possibly be the right answer to such a vague question. 

“Death.” his eyes darted back up to her, what she had said sparked his interest, “I’ve been surrounded by it my whole life. My family was massacred in front of me, and for the time after I helped to care for the other refugees that really had no chance of surviving. But that doesn’t mean I’m some hardened soldier or that I'm used to violence or anything. Just the feeling of someone's heart stopping or the feeling of someone going limp isn’t so foreign to me anymore.”

“I see, how many passed under your care?” her fists tightened until her nails started to dig into her skin. 

“If I had to estimate, probably a little less than 100. I was young so I hadn't exactly mastered medical care.”

“What’s the worst you’ve seen?”

“That seems like enough Levi.” a brash voice came from the doorway. A pair of blue eyes stared at them from the darkness that enveloped most of the room. 

“Excuse me, I must be going now.” Levi watched as she stood up and left. He noticed blood trailing from nail sized wounds on her palms. She ducked her head as she walked past Erwin and back into the hall. Her presence was soon replaced with none other than Erwin’s.

“I assume you were trying to get a rise out of her, why?”

“She's too young for what Miche said to be true. Even for someone that has gone through what she has.”

“Yes, I guess it’s hard to believe that that much despair can be held in someone that young. But you do believe Miche don’t you?”

“Of course.”


	7. Chapter 7

Levi sipped on the tea before it got cold. He thought back to what Miche said, “That one (y/n) (l/n), I can tell something dark is growing inside her. It could be anger or despair, but I can tell it’s negative. I couldn’t smell this obviously, but I feel if used correctly her drive could be unstoppable.” Levi sighed as he cleaned up the things used to make the tea. He left the dining hall and finally made his way to his room. Unbeknownst to him he walked past (y/n) who was in a storage closet. 

When she excused herself she made her way to the storage closet that Gelgar showed them earlier. She didn’t exactly know what was in there, but something resembling bandages had to be. She rustled around in the dark, finding herself frustrated with her inability to find bandages. As she rustled through a small box after box she found nothing but cleaning supplies and rags. Overcome with anger she threw one of the boxes across the room, breaking it. She looked down at her bloody hands and sighed. She leaned against the wall and sat down on the ground. Similar to the time in the field she was left exhausted after her little outburst. She slowly fell asleep inside the dusty room. And she didn’t leave until the next morning. 

A short woman flung the door open, causing it to violently hit (y/n)’s legs, “Agh!” she jumped back when she saw (y/n) on the floor. 

“Sorry.” (y/n) groggily stood up, “I must’ve fallen asleep looking for bandages.”

The woman looked down at (y/n)’s flailing hands as she explained what happened. “Why don’t you come with me? I can clean you up, plus the med stuff isn’t in here.”

“Really? Thank you, my name’s (y/n).” she said as she followed the short woman out of the small room.

“Don’t mention it, and my name’s Petra.” Petra led (y/n) to another room that was only slightly larger than the room they came from. (y/n) held out her hands and let Petra wash the dried blood off her palms. She traced her fingers over the bruise that was forming on her wrist. Without asking any questions Petra wrapped the palms of her hands and where the bruise was on her wrist. 

“Thank you, this’ll make today so much easier. We’re meeting our horses today.” (y/n) said with an excited glint in her eyes. After thanking her a few more times they went their separate ways and on with their days. 

A little less then a week later the 104th cadets were preparing for their first expedition outside of the walls. (y/n) had been assigned to the right wing center column. She was separated from everyone else she knew, but the other two scouts she was with assured her that everything would be okay. And for most of the expedition that was true, until an intelligent abnormal appeared. (y/n) turned to see it running at full speed toward them.

“Cadet keep going we’ll take care of her! Break off only if necessary!” one of the scouts yelled at her as they both took off from their horses and headed toward the abnormal. She kept her eyes forward thinking they had probably already killed off the titan. But she heard a yell and a blunt boom come from behind her. She turned to see both of the scouts dead on the ground. She pulled on the reins of her horse so she wasn’t in the path of the abnormal. But it ran in front of her and stopped. (y/n) pulled on the reins and stopped her horse. The titan looked down at her with it’s huge blue eyes and reached out to her. Paralyzed in fear (y/n) couldn’t do anything but sit on her horse. Instead of grabbing her it grabbed the horse and knocked off (y/n). Then lifted it up and squeezed the horse until it popped in its hand. Without missing a beat it then ran off towards the front of the formation. (y/n) knew the right wing rear was bound to come around sometime soon, but she couldn’t wait. The other horses were still alive so she whistled for them to come. Both of them obediently ran to her and waited for her to get on. She hopped on and made sure the other one followed. For awhile she was alone, until she saw the titan again, along with armin on the ground.

“You bitch!” (y/n) yelled as she blasted off the horse and towards the titan. She aimed herself at its nape, but before she could slice the nape it covered it with it’s hand. And with the other she tugged on the metal wires causing her to lose her balance and momentum. She tumbled onto the ground and rolled a few times. (y/n) laid there for a moment, allowing the aching in her body and pain coming from her arm to consume her. It stood up and ran off, the ground trembling under its feet. She watched as it ran off, and she could hear the faint yells from familiar voices. (y/n) got up on her shaky legs and called for her horses. Just as they were trained then ran to her again. Nothing but white hot anger was coursing through her. It blinded her to the yelling of Jean and Reiner behind her. 

“What the hell is she doing?” Jean yelled as he looked at (y/n), who was following closely behind the female titan. 

“(y/n) fall back!” Armin yelled at her, “Damn she can’t hear me.”

“I’m sure she can, she’s just ignoring you.” Reiner chimed in, “She’ll pay attention once she sees us.” they all nodded to each other and split off. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Armin and Jean beside the female titan. Armin blasted off his horse and without a second thought the female titan yanked on his gear sending him flying. The rage in her stomach bubbled down as she broke away and went towards Armin. She got off her horse and commanded them to run in the opposite direction as to not get caught by the female titan. 

“Armin.” she got to her knees and held him up. Blood was trailing down his face at a fast pace as (y/n) tried to stop it. She noticed how his eyes widened suddenly. She turned to see Jean flying around the female titan. She watched in horror as the female titan’s arm flew towards him.

“Don’t let that suicidal maniac die in vain!” Armin yelled out. (y/n) watched in confusion as he rambled on. As the female titan sat there Reiner went for her while she was distracted. She then moved again and caught him in her hand.

“Reiner!” (y/n) screamed out as the female titan covered his head with her thumb and squeezed. Armin held her by her waist as she fought to go after the female titan. But after a few seconds Reiner broke free from her grasp and landed behind (y/n) and Armin. He grabbed Armin and took (y/n)’s hand and started running. 

As a group they regrouped under a small bunch of trees.Thankfully the two horses (y/n) commandeered from the other soldiers came back at her whistle. As (y/n) wrapped Armin’s head she noticed a growing pain coming from her right arm. 

“Everything okay (y/n)?” Reiner asked as he watched her.

“Yeah, can you finish this? My arm is being funny.” she moved away from armin and let Reiner finish wrapping his head. She tried to move it around but winced in pain every time she tried to move it too much.

“Looks swollen.” Jean said while examining it with her.

“I think it's slightly fractured. But I’ll be able carry out the rest of the mission just fine.” 

“Let me wrap it.” Reiner said, grabbing her arm gently. 

“I’ll be fine.” she pulled away, not wanting him to see the remains of the bruise Captain Levi left. 

“Don’t be stupid let him wrap it.” Jean said, he saw the defensive look on her face but chose to ignore it. Between the scrutinizing looks coming from both the men she obliged. She let Reiner wrap the bandage around her arm and create a makeshift sling to hold her arm. In all honesty she knew that she would abandon the sling Reiner had made for her but the sentiment was nice. 

“So Armin and Jean’s horses are gonners. We have three horses in total, the two of mine and Reiner’s.” (y/n) thought out loud. She noticed the look in Jean’s face pointed towards the fact that he was thinking the same thing. “I’m not sure how effectively I can ride a horse with one arm.”

“I was thinking the same thing, it looks like two people are gonna have to double up on a single horse.” Jean replied.

“Two injured people on a horse doesn’t sound like a sound plan.”

“And Reiner’s too big for you to pack on with him.” (y/n)’s face was telling the fact that she was questioning how she was the one getting packed, “You said it yourself, you can’t effectively ride a horse.”

“Okay so I’m riding with you.” (y/n) elbowed Jean in the side playfully. He ruffled her hair and went back to tending to the horses they had left.


	8. Chapter 8

They soon approached the Forest of Giant trees, Jean complaining in (y/n)’s ear as they rode around the perimeter of the forest. She could feel Jean’s breath lightly washing over the back of her neck. For some odd reason it reminded her of Captain Levi’s stare beaming into the back of her head. 

“All soldiers halt immediately!” one of the commanding officers yelled out from ahead of them. Everyone stopped in front of him and got off their horses. As soon as Reiner got off his horse he went over to help (y/n) off of Jean’s. He grabbed her waist and guided her down gently. He let his hands linger for a bit before turning to hear what the officer had to say.

He gave them the orders and everyone dispersed. (y/n) and Reiner tied up the horses and found a suitable perch to watch the titans from. He wrapped an arm around her waist and carried her up to the tree branch. Together they watched as the titans scratched at the trees and hungrily looked up at them. (y/n) sat down and let her feet dangle off the edge of the branch. 

“I noticed something on your hand when I was wrapping it.” Reiner said as he sat down next to (y/n).

“Oh, I tripped the other day.” he gave her a skeptical look but ultimately decided to not question her any further. 

“Look at those idiots.” Reiner pointed down to the small titans trying to jump up the tree below them. 

“Yeah, if they had any brains we would be beyond screwed.” (y/n) leaned on him and let her body relax. If their circumstances had been any better maybe they would see this moment as romantic. Maybe they'd be looking out at a beautiful sunset; their only thoughts would be about how they never wanted to leave that moment. But the harsh reality was far from that. 

As they sat there a tinge of curiosity struck through Reiner. He had never had the desire to ask (y/n) about her life before Maria fell. It was mostly due to the guilt that formed like a rock in his body every time she mentioned her family. But there he was a question on the tip of his tongue that he couldn’t help but blurt out.

“What was your family like.” he looked over and saw her visibly tense for a moment, “if you don’t feel like it, it’s fine.”

“No, no I'd love to. I just don’t know if I have the words anymore, it’s just been so long since someone’s asked me about them.” he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “Um, well my parents were really caring. My mom was a nurse, she was so gentle and sweet. But she could get an attitude with my dad and his weird shenanigans, they loved each other regardless. I remember them telling me about how they grew up together and how it took them a couple years apart to realize they loved each other. Of course, my father was the one to confess. He was a very eccentric person, and always spoke his mind. And my brother, he was like the perfect mix of my parents. He was decisive and strong willed, yet kind and loveable. They always joked about how I was a mini version of my dad.”

“Were you close to your dad?” Reiner regretted the second question, but it rolled off his tongue too easily.

“Yeah, he taught me about the constellations and even his theories about them. I followed him around almost everywhere, just listening to him ramble on. I remember we used to do this thing where I’d climb a tree and collect special leaves, and we would write down the details in a small journal we had. My mom hated it because she thought it was dangerous for me to climb trees but she loved to see us get excited over leaves.” a light tear fell from her eye as she nervously played with the weathered leather straps of her gear. Reiner reached over and grabbed her hand to stop it. “Sorry, I look stupid. I just miss them. And as much as I hate to admit it I can’t really remember what they look like.” all she remembered of their soft features is what they looked like while distorted into a sense of pure terror. An electric chill ran down her spine that reminded her of the feeling she felt that day.

“It’s okay, I won’t make you think about it any longer.” he took his hand off hers and stood back up. He watched as the tension in her shoulders returned.

Suddenly a scream came from the inside of the forest. The horrifying scream was soon followed by all of the titans below them suddenly running into the forest. (y/n) stood up and joined Reiner at watching all of the titans frantically run into the forest. Reiner restrained her, knowing she was bound to to something stupid.

“Don’t worry I’m gonna jump into that.” she pushed his arm away from her body and nervously paced back and forth on the large branch. A couple minutes went by before an older soldier flew in from the inside of the forest.

“You need to retreat immediately.” he said frantically between breaths. Sweat beaded off his forehead and upper lip. His stress could be seen in his wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows. 

Reiner nodded at the man and grabbed (y/n) by the waist and pulled her down to the ground with him. When they got steady on their feet Reiner looked between (y/n) and the one horse that was left. 

“We need to ditch your gear. The horse won’t be able to hold both of us plus the gear, the extra weight off will really help us.”   
“Fine.” (y/n) freed her hand from the sling and quickly undid the buckles. She shimmied out of the leather straps and let it fall on the ground. The heavy gear fell to the ground with a thump as (y/n) threw it to the side. Reiner helped her up onto the horse then took a seat behind her. The horse grunted with the sudden weight added to it’s back. Reiner reached his arms around (y/n) and grabbed the reins. As they rode Reiner’s arms rested on (y/n)’s thighs and he leaned into her back. She could feel his heavy breath on the back of her neck, causing a warmth to form in her abdomen. Slowly she removed her not injured hand from the horse's mane and grabbed one of Reiner’s hands tightly. He loosened his grip on the reins and grabbed her hand back. His thumb gently caressed the back of her hand and they rode the course back to the safety of inside the walls. 

__

Once back inside the walls it took awhile for everyone to be able to be dismissed. (y/n) had to stay back for a bit so she could fill outs some paperwork to get new gear. It was a bit hard to explain to the exhausted man at the supply depo why she had to abandon her perfect working gear. He reluctantly stamped the paperwork and gave her a confirmation paper with the date of when her new gear was to arrive. She quietly thanked him and left the big warehouse that resided at the edge of the city within the safe part of the walls. 

The scouts headquarters was unexpectedly quiet, as expected after an expedition. Muffled sounds of some talking came from the dining hall. (y/n) walked in the other direction since she had no desire to eat after today. All she needed was a shower so hot it made her nauseous. She hated hot showers since they reminded her of that day, but that's exactly why they were vital to her stability at times like this. It was a harsh reminder that others were suffering too and that her wellbeing was the least of her worries. From time to time she wondered if she used others suffering to distract herself from her own. But she would quickly dismiss these thoughts because that would just lead to more thinking. 

Carefully she stripped and turned on the water. It took a bit for the water to heat up but when it did it reached borderline boiling. The steam coming from the water made it slightly hard to breathe, the nausea was starting to set in. Her muscles relaxed until she found her knees becoming weak. The pellets of water hit her scalp as she scratched it clean with soap. Around 15 minutes later the steam and heat became too much. She dried off and put clean clothes on. The moisture in the air made it slightly difficult to pull her pants and bra on. She opted for slightly loose pants and a tighter shirt tucked into them. Once fully dressed she stepped out into darkness. Nobody had lit any of the lanterns that lined the walls yet. The darkness mixed with her slight disorientation from the heat made her even more wobbly on her feet. An unexpected rise in the stone flooring caused her to trip.

She fell towards the ground but someone was there to stop her. “(y/n) i’ve been looking for you everywhere.”  
(y/n) looked up to see Reiner with his unwavering stone expression slapped on his face. “Sorry, I forgot to tell anyone I was back.” 

“How was your shower?” Reiner flicked a stray damp hair out of her face and gestured for her to follow him. 

“Unpleasant, hot, uncomfortable, whatever it just was bad.” she looked over at him as he led them to the barracks. There was an eerie emptiness to the courtyard of the headquarters. The mens and womens barracks were mostly co-ed, only the men and women separated by rooms. Reiner walked (y/n) to the door of the room she shared with an older soldier that unfortunately hadn’t made it back. The rooms homed two people but now hers was just occupied by one. Reiner saw a bit of hesitation when she reached for the handle. She really wasn’t close with the other woman, but she hated the thought of being alone.

“Um, will you…” her voice hitched for a second before continuing, “will you stay for a bit?”

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” (y/n) nodded and guided him inside. The room was absent of any personal belongings besides clothes. The true nature of the room showed through this small detail. These rooms were temporary, they housed temporary soldiers with temporary lives. 

(y/n) laid down and made room for Reiner next to her. To avoid falling asleep he sat upright next to her. At first she laid with her back to him but as she fell deeper into sleep she turned over and latched onto his arm. Reiner resisted for as long as he could but he soon fell asleep too.


End file.
